Name That Body Part

I had the four Merchant grandkids spend the night last Friday.We haven’t had much time together because we have all been sick.Just when you think we would have the creeping crud days behind us the sitting in front of the toilet flu would strike.I think we just passed it back and forth over and over.Finally on Friday we had an all clear so I called to see if we could have a sleep over.I thought I would give Brooke and Mike a surprise and take all four.When I gave Brooke the news I heard ———WOOOOOOO HOOOOOO.

Hungarian Work Horse picked up the kids after supper and they sounded like a herd of buffalo when they came in the back door.They acted like we hadn’t seen each other in a year.I love that feeling of excitement that kids have.I was doing some banking on line when they got here so up to the computer room came Alexis.She wanted to read some of this blog and so I brought it up.Little did I know that it would bring me something I could embarrass my granddaughters  with when they get older.

IMG_0518She is nine now and the sweetest little girl you ever met.She loves to read about herself and her siblings on the blog and was doing that when Miss P came up and was standing beside her.

I thought I miss heard her when she said,”Peyton move over I can feel your penis on my leg.”

IMG_0079This is Peyton and I was the third person to hold her after she was born. I have changed many of her diapers when she was a baby and they were all penis free as far as I can remember.I just let it go thinking that she must have said something else.Then……

“Peyton you are making me uncomfortable I can still feel your penis on me now BACK AWAY.”

OK that was it.I knew then I had to say something.I usually try to keep away from conversations like this with the grandkids because they have wonderful parents that teach them what they need to know but I knew something was really wrong here.

“Alexis what are you talking about,Peyton does not have a penis.”

Then Peyton starts telling me names of her body parts that I never heard of.I am wondering why we can’t use “private parts” like we always have in the past.

Alexis then pipes up with,”Oh,that’s right girls have a ver ginny, Nana.”

I know now I am having a talk with their mother because this is ridiculous.

The next time I was at Brooke’s I brought up that Alexis used the word penis for Peyton’s body part and Brooke started to laugh.She told me they had to have a conversation because one day the girls were playing and one of them told her that the other one accidentally hit her in the nuts.She must have told them the proper anatomy names of boy and girl body parts and they not only got mixed up but they forgot some of the proper names.

I love this little snippet of innocence in my little ladies even if they don’t sound like ladies at times when they speak.They are growing up on me that is for sure,but it is so wonderful to be able to watch them learn things even if it is the name of your body part.I just hope their mother gets that ver ginny thing straightened out!

God bless my Brooke and her wisdom.

Under House Arrest

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I have a little quiz for you today.This is the little Dude and his twin sister.Little Dude was going to Walmart with his Papa today and Little Dudette was going grocery shopping with her Mama.Guess which one got to go and which one didn’t.

Here is how it all started.This morning while talking to Brooke on the phone I was getting lonesome hearing the kids talk in the background.

“Mama you are a princess here.”

Little Dudette must have had a photo album or something and saw Brooke in a prom dress.

“Why aren’t you holding me?”

“Because you weren’t born yet,Honey.”

“Why?”

How I remember the WHY days.There were times that I thought I’d rather have a nail poked in my eye than hear that word again.

Then I heard a little voice,”Is dat Nana?”

“Yes, Buddy it is.”

“Can I talk to her?”

“In a minute.”

“Is it a minute yet?”

We talk for a few more minutes and she hands the phone over to him and he says,”Can you come to my house,I got my tractors back.”

The sad fact is he doesn’t have full use of his farm equipment.If he doesn’t put his toys away they get put up for a week or so and I have seen times that the only thing he has to play with is maybe an empty broken cardboard box and a spatula.I know it’s his own fault but the Nana in me feels sorry for him.Not today though,we got farming to do,the equipment is out and the barn doors are all open.

“Buddy I can’t come now but later on today I can.”

He is sad and then I have The Great Idea.I ask Brooke if he can go with Papa to Walmart and she says yes.We hang up and I get to baking the cookies Alexis needs for her bake sale and a few extra for Little Dude and me when we have our coffee.Don’t worry I make his weak.He loves black coffee.I guess it’s the Hahn in him(my maiden name).Besides that I happen to know he drank part of a wine cooler when he was with his mother last summer.Granted she was in the bathroom and he stole it but still.

About five minutes goes by and the phone rings.It is Brooke and the plans have changed.Collin got picked up for malicious destruction of bathroom property and put under house arrest.No Walmart for him.He allegedly turned on the faucet full boar in the bathroom and was playing in it while the back of the sink and the floor flooded so bad it went down into the basement and left a large puddle.Does anybody know a good lawyer?

Later on in the evening…………..

I go over to the kids house with some stickers and my checkbook.To my surprise Mike tells me that Brooke and Little Dude are on their way to my house and Little Dude gets to spend the night.I could tell he felt sorry for the little guy missing his day out with Papa even though he was the one that made the arrest.I love my son-in-law.I played with my little girls for a bit and then got ready to leave.As I was putting my checkbook away I wondered how much his bail was or if they let him out on his own recognizance.

Rosie,Lilly,Kirk,And My Sis

IMG_0606My sister Linette left to go back home to Montana and I am sad.That’s not her up there,it’s her dog Abigail.Miss you baby.Tonight as I was watching The Dog Whisperer calm a rabid miniature poodle I sobbed uncontrollably with sadness.Abbey aka Rosie please remember all of the wonderful things that I taught you when you were here and don’t be fighting with your sister.You are the first as I am so lead by example.I know it is hard when your most beloved possession is a pig but you can do it.Pigs come and go sisters do not.

IMG_0605Lilly, my darling you were the sweetest little girl after your hysterectomy.I know what that’s like.I too became more aggressive after I didn’t have to worry about all things female.It was liberating not having to stop at the drug store for Midol every month.Be patient with your sis,I think she acts like she does because she has weight issues.She really does love you even if she doesn’t like to share.You were an angel in my training classes and I will be forever grateful to you for signing up for my new class in the Spring,How To Overcome The Embarrassment of Facial Hair after Your Hysterectomy.

FerbKirk, I miss you too,but please don’t kill any more beavers and send them to us in Michigan.My mom’s mail lady is still in therapy after the package came open and that hyena started chasing her car.Word around town is she is thinking of retiring now.Never in her thirty years of service did she have anything so upsetting happen to her on her mail route.I tried to tell her they were just gloves but she didn’t care.She said the hyena didn’t let up until she threw it her lunch.She had a headache for the rest of the day and her sugar spiked.I know it’s not your fault that you like that kind of stuff.You can’t help but think it is normal after hanging around with those Huttterites.I posted this picture of you for Linette.Back off women,he’s taken.

IMG_0510Oh, my sister that I love how I miss you already.Today at work I walked by the vending machine and saw a Hersey Bar.I started hallucinating that I could hear your voice beckoning me to click my heals three times and I would be in Montana.Thank heavens I then remembered you giving us all a lesson in ear etiquette.Notice how your little granddaughter is bursting with interest.Remember when you laughed at mine when you saw them flapping as we were taking the dogs for a walk?Why click your heals when you can fly with these hearing attachments!

I feel better now.Think of me often as I do you.God’s blessings to you all.I love you and I really do miss you.I hope you had as much fun as I did when you were home.Kirk, please take care of my sis,she is precious to me.She always has been and now you are too.

Happy New Year Blues

IMG_0623Last night Hungarian Work Horse and I were planning on spending the New Year home by ourselves and ringing in midnight with a few tunes of the chain saw lullaby(it is sad to say but he even snores out of tune).Staying up until midnight is not a feat uncommon for me unless I have to.The menopausal part of me never sleeps,the party animal in me can’t stay awake so a quiet night at home seemed like the best thing for us.Church and then maybe a little disagreement over what to watch after we got home was a sure thing.I ran over to my mom’s to see how she was doing and then came home to this……

“Honey,we got invited to a party.”

I was having visions of dragging him home at ten thirty all sleepy eyed and loving because some fool gave him a beer and he got tired and thought he was twenty nine again.

“Oh,who called?”

“It was Brooke,she said Alexis wants to have a New Years Party,she wants to stay up until midnight.”

“I’ll give her a call back.”

I call Brooke and she says that the kids want to stay up until midnight and Alexis wants to have a party.She then explains that they are all losers because nobody can come to their house.I am thinking,you are not losers,just bad party planners,I mean who in their right mind thinks you are going to get party goers for New Years Eve about six hours before it’s 2013? She tells me that the girls are all ready for a heated game of Parcheesi.It dawns on me then that we are the last resort and the entertainment as well.Parcheesi,nooooooooooooo, we have been playing it to death over the holidays and if I have to listen to that dice fall on the floor one more time I am going to go insane.The kids seem to think that if they shake the dice until it turns into butter and then fling it into the air like it is corn that just popped it will land right in front of them.Then the little dude and baby princess can grab it and take off running just to add a little spice to the game.It is then I remember that we have the game of Trouble in the toy room closet.(yes,this Nana has a TOY room).It is basically the same principle, just the dice is in a little bubble that you press on to roll the dice and it can’t fall on the floor.It can cut the game time in half because we aren’t chasing dice.Brilliant.I get it out with Pictionary and a few other games and off we go.

The electricity in the air was unbelievable when we stepped into the kids house. Daddy was on his recliner and Mama in the rocker rocking the twins.It’s no wonder the kids don’t know how to party!Not to worry though because here comes Nana to the rescue.We start off playing tractors.Collin goes to the bathroom to get towels for our fields.His imagination always goes crazy then.I was speeding off out of the field in my pick up telling Collin I was going uptown to get me some coffee.He hollers to me to pick him up some chicken nuggets while I am gone.This goes on for quite some time and then out comes the games.

Alexis and Peyton are really getting good at games now that they are older and I laugh at them.Trouble is better than stinking Parcheesi and Papa is playing too.Alexis is afraid of getting ahead of me because I will pick her off and send her home.We have a blast and Papa wins.I come in second.I know some people let their kids win but I don’t.I believe your kids need to lose as well as win.Besides they can run faster than me most of the time so they win too.Get it?

We finish playing and head to the living room.I think it must be getting close to midnight and find out it is only nine o’clock.I am getting sleeepy.The kids are still wild except for the twins.Landyn is now getting that bawling tired and Collin is sucking his fingers.I don’t think they are going to make it.Brooke then decides we better get the party favors out before the little ones crash.

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The noise makers were deafening.The twins could hardly blow hard enough to make noise but Alexis and Peyton made up for it.

I don’t know if they made it until midnight because Papa and I left at ten thirty.We had that chain saw lullaby stuck in our head and we had to sing it.

Happy New Year and God’s Blessings everyone.

Thank you Lord For Grandkids at any time of the year.

Move Over

 

IMG_0437Collin and Landyn were both being tucked into bed this weekend.Now that they live in the country they sleep in separate rooms.As Brooke was tucking in the Little Dude Landyn hollered that she had to go pee and took off for the bathroom down the hall.As soon as Collin heard her he had to go and off he went to join Landyn in the bathroom.Brooke waiting for Collin thought it was funny when she heard the toilet flush and they both came running back to their rooms at the same time.

“Collin I thought you had to use the bathroom.”

“Oh,I did,I peed in garbage.”

Later on when she was telling me this so disgusted on the phone I didn’t know what was funnier,him peeing in the waste basket or her telling me that she was glad she always double bags.

Well,technically,urine is waste.Sorry I just had to.Blessings everyone.

The Hair Cut

IMG_0577_thumbCollin is all boy but there are times that you know he has three sisters.Last week I had my hair cut and dyed.I picked him,Alexis and Peyton up to come over for a day of play.As he was sitting behind me the conversation started………..

“Nana I like you new haircut!”

“Why thank you buddy.”

“I want my hair cut like yours.”

Alexis sitting beside him was so disgusted when he said that.

“Collin you don’t need your hair done like Nana’s.Why would you want to go to the hair dressers when Dad does yours for free?”

That’s my frugal Alexis always looking to save a dime.I was wondering  how long Mike would do three and a half year old Collin’s buzz cut before he started charging and I found out last night.Collin and I were sitting at our kitchen bar eating a treat when I noticed he had his hair cut again.

“Buddy I like your new hair cut.”

“You do,Nana?”

“Yes,I do.How much did your dad charge you?”

“Twenty Dollars.”

I think that is highway robbery.

The Mole

I can’t stand the word mole.Every time I hear it I think of beady little eyes on a rodent.I can’t even stand the word when it refers to Mexican food and I love Mexican food.The problem with that is I have several moles on my neck and I am always thinking that I am going to have them removed the next time I go to the doctor but I never do.I really don’t like the word mole even when it refers to the ones on your body.Enter the Little Dude……….

IMG_0428This Sunday in church I had Collin on my lap.Our church was packed because we were having a Ham Dinner and it is quite well known in our area.I am always a little concerned because you never know what is going to happen in our peanut gallery and especially when there is a lot of people we don’t know.No worries until the pastor started preaching.Collin was laying his head on my shoulders and I heard him whispering something.

“What did you say,Honey?”

“A worm,Nana.”

“No, that is just a mole on the back of my neck,now leave it alone.”

He lays his head back down and is just patting my neck in the back when all of a sudden I felt a sharp pinch and he pulled the mole on the back of my neck right off.In church.With a man behind us.Watching the whole thing.I let a yip out of me as I grabbed his hand and sure enough,there was my ugly mole in his sweaty little palm.Just as he was about to pop the thing in his mouth I grabbed the snotty Kleenex he had in his pocket and quickly disposed of the evidence.With eyes as big as saucers he says “I got it.!”

Thank God it wasn’t a bleeder because I don’t know what would have happened.Of course he wants to look behind my head to see my mole less hairline and I won’t let him.I finally give him his little snack bag to distract him and it works.I guess today he was a surgeon.He was so good after that.I only heard one moo out of him for the rest of the service.Guess what his kindergarten teacher mother packed in the snack bag.

To the poor man that was sitting in back of us I just have to say I am sorry.That is how it goes when the little Dude is around.He doesn’t mean for things to happen,they just do.I assure you it was just a mole and I do not have worms of any sort.Just moles and one less to boot.Our church is a nice one and sir don’t be afraid to visit us again.My only suggestion is you might want to sit more up to the front by my sister and brother- in- law, Donnie and Marie.