I am sick of being sad.My days are filled with longing for a Ward fix and I can’t get one.Today I looked out the window and I saw my trumpet vine that I got a slip from Ward about six tears(I mean years) ago.I see that Albert has it all cut back like Ward used to do for me.It was always such a good feeling to drive in the driveway after work and see that my dear buddy had been here to cut it back.I loved the fact that he felt comfortable enough to come to my house even when I wasn’t home to take care of it.He was a very proper man and wouldn’t stop to do anything at just anybody’s house when they weren’t home.I hate seeing my mom in church sitting all alone and sometimes I don’t even want to go to church because of it.I feel robbed and I want to get over it.I know that there is a greater plan for us and God is always in control but I don’t like the process of it and I hate when things I love are taken away from me.I know that Ward is happy where he is and would never want to come back but I am ashamed to say that it doesn’t help me at this point.I want him back.I want our life to be as it was and I want to be happy again.I hate the cold reality of his closets empty,his vehicles being driven by someone else and he isn’t here to get this Spring season going.He loved it when it started to get warm out.He was always planting and mowing even last year.I haven’t even been able to write a word for so long because my thoughts are jumbled and at times I can’t put two words together.I need my guy back and that just isn’t happening.
I am trying to get over this blanket of grief that seems to have enveloped me so tightly that at times I just want to lock my self up and talk to no one.I know I will get over it because it has happened to me before when Grandma Jahr left me and as I am writing this I realize that might be the problem.I feel like they left me and I didn’t want them to.My sister Linda told me there are different stages of grief and that some people have to go through many.I guess I am on the slow train to griefsville and it is a ride I need to take and I will get off when I get to the right station.
I hope that people realize that when you get a person that actually likes you for you that they treasure it.Take the time to enjoy them and tell them you love them.I keep thinking of going to Mom and Wards and liking it.So different from every other stepfather we had.Just a few good stories and a lot of laughs and his favorite politics.
I need prayer and I need understanding.I know my life is not near the way it used to be but it is still a good one.I hope that whoever reads this will pray for me right now.I need it. I want to get out of this desert of sadness and I need help. Thanks Liz