The Charlie Horse and The Spoon

horse 002Do you ever wonder why some things are named what they are?I guess I know where a long shot comes from as I would imagine it has to do with shooting a gun at things far away and how good you are at hitting an object with just your eye and steadiness for help firing it.I’ve called stuff a thing-a-ma-jig and a whatchamacallit for years and don’t know why,but the most curious of all is these names of things that have to do with horses.I have heard people say get off your dead horse and do something,but really who would sit on one?There is the one about the woman that was so ugly that she had a horse face,but don’t you think horses have the most adorable faces you have ever seen?Even my Grandma Jahr once called one of my stepfathers a horses ass and at the time I believe I agreed with her, but I think the back of a horse is regal with the most wonderful tail of all the animals and shimmering flanks of muscle and legs,so really what kind of name calling is that.You always hear about something being a dark horse,why are they better or worse than a light horse.The most curious of all,though,is the charlie horse.My dad’s name was Charles and I have a nephew my sister named Drew Charles aka Charlie and we hold them both dear and as I said before I think horses are beautiful so where does this name come from?Which brings me to the reason I am thinking of the name in the first place,so take off the spurs and stay a bit.

Last night started out as any other night.I was waiting to go to bed.I usually either wait for the Hungarian Work Horse to go upstairs first and fall asleep or sneak up while he is engrossed in the Military channel.The problem with us now is we have always slept as spoons and I can’t start out that way anymore.The spoon position is not possible at first because it sends me into a hot flash of the worst kind and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by not spooning so I wait.I can tell you menopause is at it’s best in the heat of the night and I mean that literally.Off he goes upstairs to the fiery inferno of our room and to ,I am sure,light the heat lamp that I think he has hidden under bed.

  I start out on the couch watching an episode of Hoarders on the Discovery Channel(Merry Christmas have you ever watched that show?)I should know better as menopausal women never see a whole episode of anything because you only sleep in bits and pieces.You either wake up chilled to the bone or on fire hot.I am cold so I think this is a good time to hop in and spoon up.I go to the bathroom so I only have to get up two more times in the night and then brush my teeth.Still cold so that is good.I slip in our bed quietly and assume the position.My front to his warm comfortable back.I hear a mumble of I love you like I know I will and he turns to give me a kiss like I know he does every night when I notice a slight tugging in my left foot.I start to maneuver my foot around to get rid of the tugging and my foot gets tangled in the sheet.It is then the party starts.I am trying to get out of bed to walk off the horse(as in charlie)when the sheet gets tangled with the blankets and he is holding on to the said blankets for dear life because I have it forty degrees in our love nest with the ceiling fan going.By this time the horse has moved all the way up the inside of my leg .Then I hear the worst words possible.

“Honey,are you all right?” coming out of his mouth.I hate it when people ask me if I am all right when they can clearly see I am not,but I try to play it down and say no it’s just a charlie horse.I finally get my foot untangled and start to walk stretching my muscles and then another one hits me in the right leg.I start ow ow ow ing and carrying on with noises not even human thinking I am glad all the kids moved out because who knows what they would be thinking was going on in this bedroom.So I finally lean over the bed pushing my legs back in a stretch and try to breathe through my nose forgetting all about HWH laying there in the bed when I hear this-

“MY GOD LIZ ARE YOU HAVING A HEART ATTACK?”

  I am sure in our years together he knows that we could have been separated by many things but I never thought he would worry about my heart except for doing something stupid like not coming home when he was with his buddies and I want to tell him that but I don’t.I just continue trying to get rid of this miserable charlie horse.It takes a few more minutes and I finally start to laugh.

Listen hear Cowboy,it will take a lot more than a charlie horse to get rid of me.Come down off your high horse(see I got a million of em)and lets get back in the saddle because I am tired and we got some spooning to do.

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