Let’s Get Physical

TulipsI usually hate surprises but I got one on Friday.We don’t have to work this whole week of Thanksgiving.I was so excited because this is usually the week that when my feet hit the floor I am running,well actually hobbling with my arthritic knees being what they are.I was trying to think of all the things that I am thankful for and one of them was not the physical I had scheduled for this morning.I hate going to the doctor.The nurse comes in and starts her business checking and wants to know if something is wrong as my blood pressure is high and the pulse is elevated. Of course my body is going wack-a-do because I know that after this part is over I will come to the undressing of my body.  I think to myself there is nothing like being totally naked except for a paper gown made for an anorexic model to make you feel comfortable in the little room you have to wait thirty minutes for to see the doctor.I know the paper blanket they give you is supposed to be comforting, but come on,it is the size of a postage stamp and not very warm.She asks me if I am comfortable and I want to tell her yes,I was just thinking how attractive I look in this outfit and wonder if I can buy another one just like it to wear to my second job as a pole dancer,but I don’t because I am thinking I want that noise in the background to stop.While you are in there trying to hold the gown together and keep the paper blanket over you music is playing softly in the background.I don’t know why that is because the last thing I need right then is stupid irritating elevator music.I am telling you if I would have had a gun and I could have found the speakers there would have been no more music.Finally the doctor comes in and I am glad to get this show on the road,that is until she starts asking all these questions.I love talking about my sex life at nine o’clock in the morning on a paper sheet that I know is going to rip when she tells me to scooch down so she can insert a very large metal object in my worn out body.For a minute I feel very proud because she tells the nurse we need the smaller tool and I think finally,something not overweight!I always have irregular pap smears and I remember having to go see a specialist one time after I had my son.The guy had a cold and was coughing all over the place and all I could think of was, isn’t it bad enough to have a problem down there and now I am going to be the first person in history to get a head cold not in my head.The doctor I am seeing today looks very healthy so I don’t have to worry about that.We get through the exam and I am happy.Now all I have to do is get my bone density test and mammogram.I don’t mind that as you are fully clothed for the bone test and at least you get to keep your pants on for the mammogram.

I complain about this but I know they are necessary and next time I know I will be better.I just have to think of ways to let my mind go and relax a little.Maybe next time I could wear crotch less underwear and then I wouldn’t have to be naked.I wonder what they would say if the next time I get my physical I came in with a set of sheets and an afghan my mom crocheted me………………………

One thought on “Let’s Get Physical

  1. Ah yes, the indignities of the annual physical. And while you’re in there dressed in the paper gown and covered with the paper sheet, they usually turn the temp down to about 40 degrees!
    Happy Thanksgiving and God bless,

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