Sweating To The Oldies

I have been so aggravated with myself lately,actually not myself but this body of mine.I am now in my mid fifties and today I realized that I have been trying to improve my physical image for about forty years.That is really sad to think that I have not been happy with my own flesh and blood for that long.I have always been short and teased about it and that never really bothered me because I always thought that short people were kind of cute,but not short and stout people like I seem to have the distinction of.I could really have dated quite a few short guys which would have helped them out but that didn’t happen because I fell in love with Al when I was fifteen. Everything on me is going south.  I have spent hundreds of dollars on exercise equipment that my best friend at work and I fondly now call our plant stands.I have the  bike,the treadmill, the stepper,Tony Little’s Gazelle(I was going to use that thing with no pain to my joints)a weight lifting machine,not to mention countless vhs tapes and dvds with dancing,jumping,and country line dancing.I once bought this thing that was like a canvas bed you could lay on and kind of accordion yourself up and down to whittle your waistline away to nothing.I really think I wanted that one because I remember Grandma Jahr had the same kind of contraption in her basement.She told me it was to stretch her back and relieve tension in her neck,and at the time all I was thinking was take the high heels off Elsie! Then there came the WII.That was supposed to be for my kids and then I got the WII Fit for Mothers Day and another round of getting in shape came upon us.The problem with that thing is it was always wanting to know how much I weighed and people like me do not like getting on a scale with clothes on and you can’t very well be buck naked in your living room.I mean come on clothes can be verrrrrrry heavy.It is sad that your dream weight is now what you weighed when you went into the delivery room to have your last child.One night I had a dream that they had to call in reinforcements to help carry my casket as one of the pall bearers broke his shoulder trying to hoist me in the hearse.I do think you have a little advantage if you do keep a little weight on because it does puff out the wrinkles a little.That is another problem, trying to look young in the middle age years,It ain’t easy.I have crows feet and fat pockets under my eyes,not to mention the flesh colored moles that look like garden grubs hanging from my neck.Then the eyebrows started to fade and get sparce.I once tried to dye them when I was doing my hair and I got so scared becauce I looked like Groucho Marx for two weeks.Not to worry though what you lose in your eyebrows you gain in other places.It takes me twice as long to get ready for work in the morning because I have to be on the look out of every angle of my face for these very stiff like pig hairs that crop up in bunches on my chin.You thought that saying not by the hair of my chinny chin chin came from the little pigs didn’t ya.Well it really came from a woman in menopause.A side from shaving like a man there is nothing that a run of the mill person can do if you don’t have a lot of money because any extra cash you have you should be spending it to see a therapist to help you get through the mood swings and hot flashes that they say can continue on for years.If my husband knows what’s good for him he will think long and hard about this condition I have that they call MEN-OH-PAUSE.It means our hormones are making adjustments and any male better stop and think before they engage their mouth.I would hate for the kids to have to use their Sunday visiting me in prison because I did something to him because he is a man and has no understanding of all what is going on in my body.That probably won’t happen though because he is pretty good about it.He lets me have the ceiling fan on high in the middle of winter just so he can get a hug.I feel sorry for him in the middle of the night when I wake up sweating to look over and there he is curled up in the fetal position shivering with his lips and feet turning blue with just a sheet on him because I can’t stand the covers to touch me,but not enough to shut the fan off.I mean he could put more clothes on ,right?I guess that I have to remember that our body is a temple like the Bible tells us.Some of us just have more rooms in our temple than others and we should try to do the best we can with what we have even if it means that we aren’t in the shape we want to be in.I know that shivering fetal positioned man tells me he loves me every day of our lives and that’s what counts.And as for the pall bearer dream I got it all figured out,somebody tell the kids I want to be cremated,and the moles I can leave alone too,—————————if I took them off what would the kids have to play with in church.

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